Armored Car Without Penis. Let’s Save the Whales.

Russians who were looking forward to whale penis leather seats for their $1.45 million bulletproof SUVs are crying in disappointment, and pointing their fingers at environmentalists and Pamela Anderson for this grave injustice.

While the Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition SUV comes with gold trim, gauges encrusted with diamonds and rubies and three bottles of premium vodka, Russian millionaires will have to do without ultra soft and luxurious penis skin.

Here’s a snippet of the absolutely brilliant press release put out by Leonard F. Yankelovich of Dartz, the Prombron manufacturer.

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET’S SAVE THE WHALES.

One month ago DARTZ presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior – PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBaltique), lot of people name this car as DARTZ.KOMBAT. As the world’s resonance was very huge and DARTZ got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, DARTZ make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.

We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want – to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that’s why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all.

We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”

Yes, we all know that earth are stand on three whales. Therefore, the world thanks you, Dartz, for making such a selfless sacrifice.

Link [JamesList] via [Wired]

Photo credit: JamesList

250,000 Gallon Oil Slick Spreads Toward Ireland

250,000 gallons of oil spilled in the ocean off Ireland’s south coast on Tuesday, in an area where Russian navy ships were refueling.  Irish authorities confirmed that the spill was spreading across the sea and may eventually pollute the Irish and Welsh coastlines. Meanwhile, Russia is pooh-poohing the idea that the spill constitutes a threat to coastal ecology and is attempting to downplay the size of the spill, all while refusing to admit culpability.

From The Times Online:

The spill, which happened as the Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier was refuelling at sea, caused a slick that is now more than three miles long and almost as wide.

It is the biggest oil spill in waters around the British Isles since the Sea Empress ran aground off Milford Haven in 1996, causing widespread damage to the Pembrokeshire coast.

Surveillance flights by Britain’s Maritime and Coastguard Agency (MCA) calculated that about 1,000 tonnes of oil were spilt.

Russian authorities put the figure at 300 tonnes and have yet publicly to admit their role.

The aircraft carrier, a Russian refuelling ship and a Russian tug were, however, found amid the oil when the spill was detected by a satelite on Saturday. Four other Russian naval vessels were nearby.

The slick is breaking up and a tug boat loaded with anti-pollution equipment is attempting clean-up, but many still worry that tar balls will wash ashore in Wales and Ireland. The slick will enter British waters by early next week and could start washing up on the beaches in two to three weeks. Weather conditions will likely play a major role in how much of the oil hits the coastlines.

So, despite all evidence to the contrary, Russia is refusing to admit blame and will only say that they’re “analyzing the information”. Big surprise there, huh – I mean, we all know how Russia is always so quick to admit wrongdoing.

It’s like Lewis Smith over at Twilight Earth said – in effect, “f-ck fossil fuels”.

We’ve talked about the “Alaskan Pipeline Ruptures,”  and the “World Wide Contamination of Water Sources,” but we have never spoken about a “Wind Spill” or a “Solar Power Contamination.”

I’m looking forward to a world where our biggest worry will be slinging ice from Wind Turbines in Montana or a “Green Crude” spill in an Algae plant.

Link [The Times Online] + [Twilight Earth]

U.S. Intelligence Reports Warn of Global Warming Consequences

Global warming will help Russia gain power as the U.S. and its dollar declines, according to a new U.S. intelligence report on what the world will likely be like by the year 2025.  The report, Global Trends 2025, warns that the warming earth will extend Russia’s growing season and allow it access to northern oil fields, strengthening its economy. Canada will also benefit for the same reasons.

From MSNBC:

It also says countries in Africa and South Asia may find themselves unstable and ungoverned, as state regimes collapse or wither away under security problems and water and food shortages brought about by climate change and a population increase of 1.4 billion.

The potential for conflict will be greater in 2025 than it is now, as the world’s population competes for declining and shifting food, water and energy resources.

The report, a year in the making, also suggests the world may complete its move away from its dependence on oil, and that the U.S. dollar, while remaining important, will decline to “first among equals” among other national currencies.

U.S. global power also will likely decline, as Americans’ concerns about putting resources into solving domestic problems may cause the United States to pull resources from foreign and global problems.

Well, it’s no surprise that global warming is going to mess things up, big time. We’ve already been warned that climate shifts will cause major food and water issues across the world, and that the stability of African nations in particular will decline.

What is surprising is that the Bush administration let this one through the ol’ global-warming-isn’t-real filter. They’ve been stifling research that affirms global warming as a real and serious threat for years, and Bush has certainly proven that he’s not going to go out quietly.  January 20th can’t arrive quickly enough.

Link [MSNBC]
Image credit: Flickr user AlphaTangoBravo

Russia Threatens to Seize Part of Supposedly Oil-Rich Arctic

Ever since the energy crisis began and evidence of global warming forced politicians around the world to consider the future more carefully, five countries have been fighting over control of an area of the world still thought to be rich with oil and natural gas: the Arctic.  This week, Russia threatened to claim part of the Arctic for themselves despite the dispute over who really owns it.  Russian president Dmitry Medvedev told a meeting of the Security Council that Russia must “finalise and adopt a federal law on the southern border of Russia’s Arctic zone”, saying it was their responsibility to their descendants to secure the country’s interests in the Arctic.

From The Telegraph:

Last August, a Russian mini-submarine carrying politicians and scientists plunged to the depths of the Arctic and claimed to plant a Russian flag to mark Moscow’s stake in the territory.

Footage of the alleged planting was widely broadcast on Russian television – but later turned out to be images taken from the Hollywood blockbuster Titanic.

Under international law, each of the five countries that lay claim to the Arctic own a 320-kilometre zone that extends north from their shores. That arrangement is up for UN review in May next year.

Vladimir Putin, now Russia’s prime minister, has said global warming is good for Russia – melting its vast icy territories to reveal previously inaccessible oil and gas reserves.

Sounds like a good old fashioned super power war is brewing… over resources.  How fun.  Russia isn’t exactly know for playing well with others, and considering that many countries are desperate for oil (despite the fact that what we should be focusing on is clean alternative energy sources), Russia’s oil-fueled power will likely continue to grow.

Link [The Telegraph]
Photo credit: Reuters

Disease Infected Corpses Popping Up Through the Tundra, Courtesy of Global Warming

Oh. My. Science.

In a scene that sounds like the trailer for a new Eli Roth movie, Live Science describes a headless corpse splayed out on plastic sheeting in a cellar in Siberia. They said it best:

The young bony arms – covered in fine black powder from centuries of immobility in the frozen tundra – are crossed at rest, reminiscent of a ceremonial burial. Camera flashes illuminate the scene. Several dozen scientists stand around the body, murmuring in Russian and English about the find of the day.

As global warming thaws the vast tundra of the high northern latitudes that currently houses a surprising number of possibly smallpox-infected human bodies, scientists worry that an outbreak of the long-dormant disease could be triggered. Smallpox is responsible for the deaths of nearly 300 million people in this frozen land during the 20th century alone, and is hardy enough to still be present in the corpses.

Hey Dubya, and all you others who think that global warming isn’t real… what more can it serve up to get your attention besides frozen corpses full of deadly infectious diseases? If this doesn’t do it for ya, I shudder to think what would have to occur for the light bulb to go off in your collective minds.

Link [Live Science]

Photo: Flickr user Thivierr