Smug Levels at a Yearly Low in San Francisco

San Franciscans finally have an answer to a puzzle they’ve been contemplating for over two decades, thanks to amateur smug researcher Ari Schultz’s ingenious investigation. Every year, for exactly one week during the summer, smug levels in San Francisco have plummeted, befuddling scientists who couldn’t find a reasonable explanation for the strange phenomenon.

The city’s infamous levels of smug have been rising since 1969, but for a single week in August each year since 1986 they’ve gotten progressively lower. The smug levels historically return to normal the following week. This year, according to smug monitors, they’ve fallen to record lows.

Schultz, 16, developed a research method involving complex graphs and algorithms that revealed the true cause: Burning Man. During this weeklong event, held in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada, a mass exodus of hippies from San Francisco causes smug levels to instantly drop to levels unheard of outside isolated areas of the Midwest and the Deep South.

Burning Man is well known as a hippie magnet of unparalleled proportions, drawing tens of thousands of attendees eager to freely express themselves by dancing with glo-sticks, driving ‘mutant art cars’ and taking in the many radical art installations, like “Heart Jam Hempology”. This year’s Burning Man drew an even bigger crowd than usual, hence the record lows of smug in San Francisco.

The remaining inhabitants of the city are grateful for the reprieve from the constant onslaught of smuggy air.

“It’s a huge relief – you can actually breathe,” says Martha DeWalt, a San Francisco resident who’s enjoying the low smug levels while they last. “Body odor and patchouli are so hard on the lungs. Usually, the smug’s so thick in this city you constantly feel like you’re choking. My kids can actually go out and play in the fresh air. It’s exhilarating.”

While the city’s smug hippies whoop it up in the desert, parading their nude hairy bodies around with papier-mâché tribal masks covering their faces, San Francisco’s non-hippie residents are demanding that the city find a way to make the changes permanent.

“It’s time for the government to step up and do something about the dangerous levels of smug in San Francisco,” fumed Bob Jessup, gesturing toward the full lot of parked, dusty hybrid vehicles outside the Arterra green apartment complex on Berry Street. “Sure, the smug levels are down this week, but why should we put up with them the rest of the year? I want to see city officials start some kind of project to keep the hippies at Burning Man year-round.”

As for Ari Schultz, he’s been offered a scholarship to study climate science at San Francisco State University, and plans to focus on the city’s smug levels. “I’m just glad I was able to help. Battling smug is just one small step toward improving the environment here in San Francisco, and by extension, making the world a better place for all of us.”

Photo credit: Flickr user Ruthless Logic

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