You may take a lot of pride in being deep, dark green – but what you see as shining examples of eco-sainthood may come off to the rest of the world as rude, condescending and downright disgusting. Nobody wants to be friends with a sanctimonious bastard that looks and smells like he just rolled out of a dumpster. If any of these 7 greener-than-thou missteps apply to you, it might be time to tone down the smug and improve your personal hygiene.
7. Giving unsolicited green tips while in someone else’s home
Are you an eco consultant? Great! People will pay you good money to tell them what’s not green about their home and how to fix it. Otherwise, shut up. Going to a friend’s house and nitpicking everything you see that’s less than spectacularly eco-friendly is a fast-track to a lot of unreturned phone calls. Skipping the ‘suggestion’ part and simply walking around their house turning lights and electronics off is a great way to end up with a boot in your ass.
Sure, you’ve got some golden nuggets of green wisdom to share and you hate to see people throw their money away and harm the environment. If it comes up in conversation, offering your tips is great – but critiquing people’s habits and possessions unprompted will get you branded as an eco-snob.
6. Hoarding in an attempt to cut back household waste
You cut back the amount of trash that you send to the curb every week by 75%. Congratulations! Now, if only you could make a tunnel through all of those plastic bottles and packing peanuts to get to the bathroom…
Holding on to stuff like electronics, batteries or light bulbs long enough to make a trip to a recycling center is cool – but hoarding tons of trash just so you can say you didn’t throw it out doesn’t accomplish anything. It’ll get thrown out, eventually – when your neighbors realize they haven’t seen you for weeks and the cops discover your body under a pile of rotting food, junk mail and used condoms. The idea is to cut back your consumption of throwaway stuff in the first place, not to turn your home into a public health hazard.
5. Ungraciously refusing gifts that aren’t green enough
So, Uncle Ted gave you a Wal-Mart gift card for Christmas and the look on your face when you opened it didn’t exactly convey the gratitude he expected. You were horrified, and decided to make your righteous indignation loud and clear so everyone in the family could learn a lesson about how Wal-Mart is an evil corporate virus that’s destroying the environment. That’s a great way to make everyone think you’re a stuck-up asshole who has no appreciation for nice gestures.
Take the gift card (or whatever), thank the person who gave it to you and donate it to someone who really needs it – or use it in any green way you can possibly think of. Letting people know, especially ahead of the holidays, that you prefer eco-friendly gifts is cool – but not right after receiving something that doesn’t pass muster.
4. Being the Green Office Nazi
Suggesting green changes in your office is a great way to spread sustainability. Taking it upon yourself to ration office supplies is not. Guarding the supply closet like it’s Fort Knox and snatching paper out of the secretary’s hand because she’s already used 3 sheets today isn’t going to win you any green converts.
Instead of loudly berating your co-workers for using paper cups and tossing used batteries in the trash can, put your well-meaning energy to work in a way that might actually accomplish something. Talk to your bosses about how going green could save them money and they’ll be more than happy to provide some recycling bins, refillable pens, recycled paper and other eco-friendly supplies.
3. Mistaking gag-inducing body funk for pleasant ‘natural scent’
It’s true that not everyone needs to wear deodorant. Some people are blessed with armpits that don’t knock other people over with noxious clouds of funk – but others seem to think that body odor is cool as long as you’re going deodorant-free to be green. If people’s faces are melting in horror and disgust when you pass them on the street, it’s time to address your problem.
We’re not suggesting that you douse yourself in AXE body spray. But seriously, a little deodorant can be a really good thing, and despite any frustration you may have experienced in the past with natural deodorants that don’t work, there are some that do. Kiss My Face Liquid Rock, for one, works just as well as conventional brands and is very safe and gentle.
2. Conserving water… by not showering
Throwing personal hygiene out the window in order to be green just isn’t necessary or fair to the people who have to be close to you at any given time. Going without deodorant is bad enough, but deciding not to bathe altogether ventures into Howard Hughes territory. When your hair looks like you could squeeze out enough oil to fry up a batch of hush puppies and your ears start to smell like parmesan cheese, you’ve taken it much too far.
We’ve all got to bathe, and with low-flow showerheads, timers and biodegradable cleansers, you can keep yourself passably clean without too much guilt.
1. Forcing guests to use “Family Cloth”
To follow the mantra “If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down” in your own home is a fine way to cut back on use of resources in the bathroom. Even putting a sign up for your guests is okay, though some will be too squicked out to comply. However, ‘family cloth’ takes bathroom eco-friendliness a bit too far when it comes to guests.
For those unfamiliar, ‘family cloth’ is a term for washable fabric wipes as an alternative to toilet paper. Yes, it’s ultra-green, especially considering that most toilet paper is made from virgin tree pulp – but your friends probably don’t want to share ass-wiping cloths with you. Provide backup toilet paper for guests, for the love of all things holy.
